The Dawkins- Hitchens Awards

The Dawkins-Hitchens Awards

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the inaugural Dawkins-Hitchens awards.

Prior to the evangelical work of Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, smug believers throughout the world lived warm in the comfort that their unappreciated good deeds not only gave them the right to feel a holier-than-thou glow now but also accrued frequent do-gooder points that could be redeemed later; great would be their reward in heaven.

Thanks to Dawkins and Hitchens we now know that there is no heaven, so tonight's awards are a secular opportunity for a bit of sanctimonious gloating.

Our first recipient tonight is Mr Reginald Hawk. Reg's loyalty to his company through all the vicissitudes of a forty year career is exceptional as is the fact that he has never taken an unnecessary sick day - a fact of which he never tired of reminding his fellow workers. Well done Reg!

Mrs Emily Christopher takes out the inaugural Perfect Mum prize - sponsored by Australia's leading brand of toilet cleaner. Emily is being recognized for her twenty years as an at home mum - when other irresponsible women dumped their kids in those daycare places. During that time Emily's kids have never handed an assignment in late, never been without a handmade costume for book week and her house has never been anything less than cleaning-product-ad spotless. Emily has been excluded as insufferable from every gathering of mothers for the last five years. Please give Emily your applause.

Miss Joanne Plumber receives the award for volunteer organisation. Joanne has, over thirty years, served with many volunteer organisations. Joanne was that person who staffed every fundraising BBQ, sold the most raffle tickets and always stayed late to help pack up the hall. As time went on, Joanne made everyone feel as though their contribution was never going to be as valued or as important as hers because she had, personally, single-handedly and with great sacrifice, shouldered the burden of keeping the club together – using only sticky tape and string. Gradually people, feeling devalued, drifted away and the clubs became defunct while Joanne grumbled about their lack of commitment and loyalty. Joanne is recognised for causing the demise of six clubs over the last ten years. Ladies and gentlemen, Joanne Plumber!

Let’s take a moment to recognise our up-and-coming youth. Dean Anderson wins this year’s Children’s Award, sponsored by our favourite toothpaste company. Dean is a cheerful young man, always does his chores and keeps his room clean. Never a worry to his parents, he’s first ready in the mornings and makes a point of showing his brothers how he’s helping him mum to the car with her bags. At school, Dean’s socks are always pulled up, his shirt tucked in and his bag shows no sign of graffiti or profanity. He’s never had a detention, never gotten less than a B and looks around proudly to make sure everyone sees that his hand is the first one up to answer a question in class. A great example to all! You’ll have to give Dean a moment has he comes up the stairs with his crutches; last week at school, teachers and students alike joined together to beat nine kinds of crap out of the little twerp.

And finally tonight, our major prize goes to Jenny Brown and Rupert Nicholson. Jenny and Rupert are recent graduates from the Australian National University and columnists for a Sydney newspaper. They are white, middle-class and belong to no vilified minority and yet they are ceaseless in taking offence on behalf of other people and sermonising about it in the paper. Even the mention of the word “aboriginal” or “gay” in an article or on TV is enough fodder – they can always find some way in which it denigrates the relevant group. Rupert and Jenny can even take umbrage on both sides of a case: when Australia didn’t have a specialised indigenous TV station, they launched a nation-wide campaign to have one instituted. After it was launched, they lambasted the government of the day for putting indigenous culture on a “special” station and not in the mainstream media. It’s a good thing they never get off their high horse because they’d be dull company in the pub; they’d never be able to tell a joke. Please stand and congratulate our major prize winners for this year, Rupert and Jenny.

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