Not suitable for the sane

The Australian Classifications Agency (ACA) has introduced a new rating for TV shows – “NSS” or “Not suitable for the sane”

The introduction of the rating follows public complaints that the plot lines of US police TV shows have gotten to the point where only insane people would see them as a form of entertainment.

In a statement, the ACA summarized some of the complaints they’d received from members of the public:

“We couldn’t go a week without someone complaining that the criminal in one of these shows had abducted a 12 year old, exacted revenge against everyone that had ever harmed them – using kitchen implements and leaving mysterious “come get me” messages written in blood at the crime scene, held a woman slave in a basement for twenty years, or spent months breaking into people’s homes and strip mining the occupants for parts. Quite how any of this was entertaining was increasingly bemusing to the Australian public.”

The College of Australian Psychologists supported the move by the ACA:

“Treatment for paranoid complaints has gone up ten-fold in the last decade. People watching these shows were becoming afraid to go outside, befriend anyone who wasn’t able to produce a police badge on demand or develop any kind of meaningful relationship. Three electricity meter readers were stabbed to death last year – not for the usual reason – but because people had formed the belief that they were there to abduct them and attach their genitals to the mains.”

Tourism New York’s spokeswoman, Nellie Carne, also welcomed the news:

“People had stopped coming to New York for fear that they wouldn’t make it out the airport, let alone into a taxi cab without the protection of a handsome cop and a weirdly sexy forensics expert. Judging our city based on our cop shows, you’d think psychopathology was our only growth industry. Anything that helps us counter this image is a good move.”

The Minister for the Arts, responsible for the new ratings, commented:

“It’s gotten to the stage where it’s worse than the ancient Romans. Gladiatorial contests at least had the benefit of honesty of purpose and being a fair fight. Modern crime dramas are apparently trawling the forgotten corners of asylums for the criminally insane to come up with a show that has some hope of holding the viewing audience. We, the citizens of an allegedly civilized society, are being asked to accept, as the evening’s entertainment – enjoyed over a glass of wine – the actions of some of the most depraved minds on the planet. Most people have only just had their dinners.”

The lone voice of concern over the new move has been raised by the Hollywood Police. Lieutenant Dave Olford noted that, given that they were all employed as consultants and script writers, the police knew where to find the criminally insane that were out on parole. If moves to restrict their work led to a diminution in demand for their services, they may well retreat underground and play out their sick fantasies for real rather than in the studios of Tinseltown.

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