A course in advanced hieroglyphics

This course is designed for people learning to drive and who need to demonstrate an understanding of road signs.

Module 1: parking restrictions

Recent changes have removed the need to differentiate between No Parking, No Standing and No Stopping. All these categories have been replaced with a simple S with a line through it. No one is really sure if that means you can't park, can stop but not park or can't stop at all, even if your life depends on it.

Whichever interpretation is correct, many councils have adopted a range of symbols to indicate such variations as

"No stopping except for emergency vehicles",

"No parking unless you have a resident's permit except on Tuesdays between 7:30 and 9am", and

"Clearway on even numbered days for vehicles longer than 2.3 metres, unless they're Australian made and/or are driven by someone at least 5'10" with legs that go all the way up under the short dress they're wearing".

And you're expected to be able to decipher all that from a moving vehicle while not rear- ending the Merc in front or running over the "I just double parked to get my coffee but look I put the hazards on" guy running back to his car.

4P isn't a bra size, it's an indication that you can park for four hours. A sign reading "-2P" doesn't seem to make sense against that logic but, at a guess, you were probably in trouble before you even left home.

Module 2: Freeways

Reading road signs while traveling at 110 kph (unless the sign above is blacked out or special event conditions apply) presents its own set of challenges.  Exits are generally numbered in random order and the final destination of the road that the off ramp leads to is the only one on the sign.

If you realize after the event that you didn't line up the overhead arrows with the correct exit lane, you'll need to continue up the freeway to the next exit, unless your vehicle exceeds the height restrictions or the exit is closed for the morning peak hour, all of which are explained on an A4 sized sign, partially hidden behind a tree branch.

Speed limits are also linked to the weather in some places; 90 kph if it's raining and 110 kph otherwise.  How much water constitutes rain is explained in the fine print on the side of the sign facing away from the driver.  In some places a splash from the badly aligned windscreen jets of the car in front is enough to trigger the regulations, in other places rain that would, if the current rate continued, deliver 20mm in the next 24 hours is required.

And watch out for the overhead X which indicates that all previous signs are null and void and you now have a suburban bus on-coming in your lane with a mad Scotsman sitting in the back yelling  “I canna give ya any more, Captain”.

And if you can take all that information in while keeping to the speed limit, watching out for other drivers, checking to make sure that your passengers are all wearing seat belts, double-checking to see if the thing that looks like an electronic road-works sign is a critical warning or just an advertisement for tyres (to keep your family safe on the road this holiday season) and controlling your cravings to check your phone as soon as it beeps, you can have a drivers licence.