Welcome to the CSD

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming this afternoon and expressing your interest in joining the Campaign for Slower Driving or CSD. 

As a wholly owned subsidiary of the Fight Against Youthfulness and Enjoyment (FAYE), the CSD is determined to teach road users to be patient, slow and measured. There are too many young people – those who have not yet qualified for a seniors’ card - using the roads irresponsibly. They hoon, they speed, they listen to music written after 1955 and at volumes that are frankly disturbing to the cat. They drive too close to other drivers, display impatience and an unwholesome desire to get where they need to go sometime today. 

Our task is to teach these young hooligans proper driving through exaggerated slowness, distance and generally unpredictable behaviour – forcing them to become slow to the point of painful and careful to the point of immobile, just as we have become.

I cannot promise that membership is easy. The task can be daunting and our efforts are not always appreciated. You will need to commit to driving a minimum of 10 kph under the speed limit at all times. This increases to 20 kph under on roads where overtaking is impossible. You must stop 2 metres back from traffic lights so the sensors don’t work and sit, with the car out of gear and your brain disconnected, until the light goes orange before you move off.  Like disciples of truth since time immemorial, you will be derided, abused and insulted.  But fear not, we won’t send you out there unarmed. The CSD, through training, will equip you with your armour of righteousness which will allow you to drive, eyes rigidly in front and hands firmly on the wheel, undeterred by the slings and arrows of the heathen.

Good judgement and careful estimates of distance are also going to be required. You will need to know exactly how far back from the car in front to stop at the lights. This is important as you need to block access to the turning lane, just as the arrow goes green, to force unbelievers to wait through another change of lights, thus training them in patience and resignation to those things which they cannot change. You will need to know just how close to the last minute you can put on your blinker (indicator) before turning a corner. We cannot give notice to the car behind too soon or they will never learn to drive six car lengths behind us in a constant state of vigilance and nervous tension. It is only through this unpredictable behaviour that they will learn these hard lessons.

Don’t think, however, that you’ll always be out there, blocking the overtaking lane alone. We have club days and team activities where we have fun competitions like Double Bung (in which we test which pair of drivers, by slowing down both lanes, can create the longest queues of traffic) or Driver Surpriser (in which we test how many people you can prevent from overtaking by speeding up just as you get to the first overtaking lane for 50 km). 

Our annual awards night is also a fun night for the whole family. At least those members of the family over the age of 55; we don’t like young people much. The major annual prize, proudly sponsored by the local caravan and motorhome industry, is awarded to the CSD member that has caused the most heart attacks, strokes or other similar conniptions to drivers simply by being repeatedly frustrating. Last year’s winner, Reg Dimbleby, caused three heart attacks and two strokes and, in a final flair of brilliance, slowed down the access of emergency service vehicles by getting his wife, Marg, to drive – apparently deaf and unable to use a rear-view mirror, down the adjoining major arterial routes.

So it’s a challenge, being a member of the CSD but we are performing a valuable public service and I invite you all to consider joining up. Membership forms are available on the table by the door and, as a special offer, if you join here at conference we’ll install, free of charge, our patented Public Flasher into your car which will cause your blinkers to come on at random and run for five minutes at a time, even though you have no intention of turning.

And remember, keep ‘em on their toes out there.

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