Shampoo

It tells me that it contains no soap, no phosphates, no arsenic and is BCP and asbestos free. It's dolphin friendly, child safe and ISO 9001 compliant.

It informs me that it contains essential oils, optional fats, totally unnecessary perfumes and rare seahorse extracts with no known benefit to anyone.

It's adorned with pictures of molecules - to show that the graphic designer has heard of them - and signatures of some random person - to show that even people I don't know can sign their names.

It assures me that it will prevent my ends from splitting, my colour from fading, my curls from flattening, my skin from wrinkling, my kids from taking drugs, my shit from stinking and my eyesight from failing.

Which is just as bloody well ... because

NOWHERE, except at the very bottom in 3 point font which is completely unreadable through the steam in the bathroom and the water in my eyes does it say "Shampoo"