The Conservative Agenda

Conservatism is a state of mind that holds that an idealised version of the way things were is innately superior to an idealised version of how things could be, which is the purview of the progressive, or the ugly, messy now which is what the rest of us have to live with. For the conservative, the social structure, tax arrangements, gender roles, music, fashion and front yard fencing styles of yore are infinitely to be preferred to any other possible model. 

To understand modern conservative thinking, it is necessary to go further yore than your wildest dreams; back to the days of feudal Europe. 

The lords of modern conservatism - let's call them Abbotts - don't really feel that the populace should expect the aristocracy to provide support of any kind; they should stand on their own two feet. Unfortunately, the ethos also calls for no wage protection so many people find themselves unable to afford feet of their own upon which to stand. Parents could, and indeed are expected to, give their children a leg up in life by providing them with feet and all the appurtenances thereunto.  Children of the less well heeled, however, may find themselves without a leg to stand on let alone the need for socks and shoe polish. 

Abbots also believe that while the peasants have a duty to pay tax, they should not expect anything in return. Paying a healthcare levy, for example, does not entitle the taxpayer to any actual care. They have merely purchased the right to pay for healthcare; people shouldn't expect to receive such things from the government, even if they've already paid for them. Anyone actually ill will need to pay a fee to see a doctor and, if they want some kind of cure for their illness before it kills them, they will need to pay a fee to another group who will, in turn, pay for some of the associated costs. 

Leaving peasants without lifesaving treatment is not really a problem though because many of those who die will be old and no longer contributing to the economy. Abbotts really have no use for the elderly, particularly once they've passed the age of 70 and are no longer able to toil in the master's field. There can be no expectation of largesse or support from the government in these cases. Those who have been imprudent enough to merely work their whole lives and don't have a gingerbread house they can eat, room at a time, will be provided with a bodkin, a copy of "To be or not to be" and an opportunity to second guess Hamlet's decision.  The bodkin must be returned by the family after the funeral or a fee will be charged.  

Feudal aristocracy does have one obligation in its primitive social contract - to defend the peasantry from attack.  For this, a castle or fortress of some sort is required, along with an enemy whose advances need to be repelled.  The only fly in the ointment is that there are really no enemies out there - at least none that couldn't overwhelm our defences almost instantly - so the need for subservience by the plebs might be questioned.  The Abbott responds by making one up - an enemy that is, he doesn't need to make up a pleb because he's got more than enough of those. Replacing the ravening hordes of Genghis Khan is a small cohort of poor people in leaky boats. Not obviously out for rapine and plunder - but that's what the English said when the Vikings turned up, seeking asylum at Lindisfarne in 793, and no one wants to make that mistake again.  The neocon convinces his subjects that his duty as a knight is being fulfilled by spending large amounts of the treasury on dubious military hardware and re-badging Customs officers as the Australian Border Force whose job it is to protect Australia's borders - unlike the regular defence force whose job it is to ... well this is an awkward moment.  

Of course a feudal lord needs a town crier and a herald to proclaim his deeds and decrees throughout the land. This is the role of public broadcasting in the modern conservative society. Were a herald to be unwise enough to commit lese majesty, however, one of his arms would be cut off in punishment. 

  

So all hail Sir Abbott, with his newly resurrected title and Joe his trusty steed. And beware, as famous kings have to their peril, of Malcolm, who will be king hereafter. 

For your reference, and because it's a justly famous piece of writing:

To be, or not to be, that is the question—
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep—
No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
The Heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks
That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep,
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes Calamity of so long life:
For who would bear the Whips and Scorns of time,
The Oppressor's wrong, the proud man's Contumely,
The pangs of despised Love, the Law’s delay,
The insolence of Office, and the Spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his Quietus make
With a bare Bodkin? Who would these Fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered Country, from whose bourn
No Traveler returns, Puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have,
Than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus Conscience does make Cowards of us all,
And thus the Native hue of Resolution
Is sicklied o'er, with the pale cast of Thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment,
With this regard their Currents turn awry,
And lose the name of Action.