You're not promising much

Inspired by my hair conditioner which offers only healthy looking hair (my emphasis), I started to look at what other pseudo benefits I'd bought into.

My kids love a breakfast cereal that offers to turn them into sporting super heroes. However closer reading of the proposition propounded clarifies that the six pack is only available if the cereal is consumed as part of a balanced diet and accompanied by regular exercise. Under those caveats, it might as well be a banana or a chocolate bar; they're certainly cheaper per kg.

The box my wife's vitamins come in illustrates all the benefits of the product, including increased energy and more attractive children. Sign me up for that! Ah, but before you commit to the contract, take special note of clause 5.b.3.ee which notes that the product is only of benefit if you have a vitamin deficiency in your diet. My wife isn't malnourished so it looks like we're stuck with the kids we've got and we're going to have to find another way to stay awake longer than our offspring so - that we can get some Scrabble in.

I go for a semi-regular session in the play room of my mistress, also known as my remedial massage therapist. On the wall is a sign suggesting that a gift voucher would solve my imagination deficit problems on those special occasions because a remedial massage enhances wellbeing. Now you would want to know your friends and their predilections pretty well before you gave them a voucher for that much pain administered by a woman other than their spouse. Asides from that, I'm not sure that "wellbeing" means anything other than "feeling good". It's usually presented as a pair with "health" - i.e. "health and wellbeing" - so it's not synonymous with health. It seems to be distinct from material success and spiritual riches. As far as I can see, it's a vaguely defined concept with no accepted metric or benchmark level. On that basis,  improvements in wellbeing caused by a 50 minute beating are causally indistinguishable from the placebo effect or the sense of relief you feel when you stop beating your head up against a brick wall. Red wine will make you feel good too and you don't have to endure gross violations of your human rights to get it.

Even my toothpaste has wussed out. "Helps fight tooth decay". What do you mean "helps"? Are you in the trenches with me or aren't you? No one ever got a VC for helping do acts of conspicuous bravery.  Man up!

How would it be if our wedding vows were like that? "I promise to appear to devote my life to you,  to try to be true to you - as part of a balanced diet and regular excursions - and to help raise the kids but only if you can't manage it on your own. "

Yep! Not promising much.

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