Dear Mrs Whittaker

Thank you for your letter to Animex regarding the themes and characters in our children’s television programs. 

Our creative department was thrilled to hear some of your suggestions for morals and important life lessons that could be taught through our shows.

In all honesty, we were getting tired of the same trite rubbish. We’d done “it’s important to stick by your friends” six times this year along with four instances of “bullies don’t win in the end”, five “my family is the most important thing in the world” along with three “don’t lie to your parents”, eight “try hard even when you fail” and fifteen cases of “unlikely but heartfelt love triumphs over all”. Even the intellectually dullest child, that needs a plot re-cap after every ad break, should have gotten those by now.

Darryl, our creative director, will be in touch with you shortly to work through some of your suggestions including:

“Mum and dad aren’t made of money.”

“Sometimes, you’re just going to have to thump the bloke.”

“Parents have bad days too. Learn the warning signs.”

“Timing is important. Asking for a new app while dad’s cooking dinner with one hand and feeding the screaming baby with the other is a bad idea.”

“Other kids lie. They are not going to the moon for holidays (and no, you are not the deprived offspring of terrible parents).”

“What you saw mum and dad doing is not something to share with your friends.”

And

“See that hobo over there? That will be you, if you don’t work harder at school.”

We’re not sure, however, how to make thirty minutes of television out of “Just sit still and be quiet for twenty minutes, for God’s sake!”

There’s not much we can do about the depiction of bad guys. We’re bound by the industry standards to limit depictions of people that do evil things to a list of three stereotypes:

Young and outwardly psychotic: This is the young, crazy genius type of bad guy that has abandoned all human feelings in the pursuit of an intellectually defined goal. Bounces around a lot. Hair not under complete control. Voice sounds like it’s still breaking. Giggles.

Middle aged, saturnine sociopath: Probably traumatised by some event in his or her past. Has brooded a long time over a plan to conquer the earth or destroy the city or otherwise take complete control to satisfy the demands of personal demons. Tall, thin with a deep voice and equine features. Laughs from the chest, barely audible until left alone then the full Satanic mirth is released.

Obese, greedy and wealthy: Always male, always middle aged. Never knows when to stop. Wants it all for himself. Too much gold, rings on at least 6 fingers. Laughs out loud with head thrown back.

Female evil is allowed to wear pure white, otherwise its black or closely related shades of purple, blue or maroon. 

There are good reasons for this standard. We need children to grow up, ready to accept government propaganda that people designated “baddies” are two-dimensional evil personified, against whom any aggression or atrocity is justified. “Us or them”, “with us or against us”, “war against the Hun” and so forth.

Contrast this with your suggestion: evil done by an otherwise normal 5’10” housewife with a C-cup bra and a slight insecurity about her abdominal fat. Not pure evil, helps out at school, but is driven over the edge by the endless demands of life into actions she might, in other circumstances, come to regret.

We can’t allow evil to be done by real people otherwise the kids might start to develop some sympathy for bad guys. We never show henchmen on their coffee break or the evil genius photocopying his bum at the office Christmas party for this reason. Bad guys turn up out of nowhere, wreak havoc, are vanquished by good, then slink back to their lairs to brood some more. That’s how it has to be.

Thank you, however, for your excellent plot suggestions.

Yours faithfully

Brad Gregory

Managing Director

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