Driver spotting - an activity for those long drives

Driver fatigue, often brought on by the tedium of watching the little white posts tick by, mile after sun-baked mile, is a major cause of serious car accidents in Australia. Playing games can keep you alert and alive. Here, as a public service, is my contribution: driver spotting. Mark off all the types you see.

Rebel without the balls. This driver's masculinity and sense of control over the world is threatened by a sign telling him how fast to drive. He's too scared of the police to really speed though, so he will drive just 3 or 4 kph over the limit. That will show them! (in a way they won't actually see)

Leader of the pack. This guy is easy to spot; he's up front. He has to be up front. He isn't necessarily unhappy with the speed of the lead car, he just doesn't want to follow. You'll see him overtaking from 4 cars back at the first opportunity, then he'll sit in front of you, probably driving exactly the same speed that you would have but he's got to lead the line, dammit!

Chicken feed. This guy is so badly henpecked that there's no other name for him. He'll have his wife next to him up front. She never actually drives but she knows all about how to do it or, more precisely, how not to do it. Recognise this guy by the sensible family car, the religious observance of the speed limit and the nervous up-and-down tic of the head he's developed from checking his speedo all the time.

Safety car driver. This driver is almost exclusively retired and is likely a frustrated wanted to-be cop. Could well be a member of a volunteer emergency service; has the whole disaster response plan for dam burst or some equally unlikely but spectacular disaster memorised, word-for-word. His role is to make sure everyone else on the road is safe. He'll drive just under the speed limit, brake six times earlier than he needs to, leave three weeks between him and the car in front and is the only bloke on the road to do the recommended speed on corners. As you pass him, look for the self-righteous expression on his face and the pole lodged in an uncomfortable place.

The cowboy. Don't fence this guy in. If he's stuck in a line, even for a few minutes, his claustrophobia kicks in. At the first opportunity, safe or otherwise, he'll dig in the spurs, punch the accelerator and you'll smell the testosterone as he roars past- continuing until he's the only car in sight.

The pilgrim. Probably a grey nomad or something similar, travel is holy thing for this driver; to be treated with reverence and never to be rushed. Driving for this guy is like being in a procession to church. You’ll see him sitting up straight behind the wheel of his camper, eyes firmly forward and doing 15 kph under the limit. He knows where he's a-goin' and which rivers he has to cross. Glory, hallelujah!

The Borg. Man and car are inseparable. What this guy lacks in bodily strength and sex appeal, he makes up for in his car. Big 4WD. Turbo diesel with 18 cylinders, triple overhead grunt boosters with a winch, a spade and a snorkel. He could tow an elephant through a tidal wave. The only thing he really needs , though, is the Golden Gate strength suspension to support his weight but, by God, he's twice the man you are!

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