What is "that perfect gift"? I doubt any one gift is perfect for everyone in all situations. Some people would be ecstatic about a set of Jamie Oliver saucepans, others would take it as a sign of where their partner thinks they should be spending their time and might use them in a way that would we described as "blunt instruments" in the subsequent police reports. I think we are suffering from a lack of clarity of understanding; what is 'perfect'?. So, as a public service, allow me to explore the concept for you:
Start with "Why do we give gifts?"
Now that is a tricksy question but it is in the answer to that question that we can, I believe, come to an understanding of perfection.
A gift is a form of communication from one person to another. I am, presumably, saying something to someone when I give them something. This is why giving flowers to a woman not your wife is not OK and giving signed copies of Kim Kardashian's latest abomination is internationally recognised as casus belli.
Do we give a gift because we enjoy the process? On the whole, I doubt it. Having been to the shops near Christmas and seen the amount of alcohol consumed on the day itself - mostly as a celebration that the whole traumatic experience is finally over - I don't think there's much joy in the act of giving.
So we want something in return.
Sex: Always a good starting point. The word should appear above the fold in the blog and grab a few people's attention. How do I convey that I want sex in return for my gift? Rule one of gift giving is that you can't be explicit - either with your message or with the gift itself, unless you know the person really well. You have to suggest sex - not turkey slap the recipient with the special massager. Perfume might be good - hinting at pheromones. Maybe something with phallic connotations? A screwdriver? Or is that just a little too obvious?
Jealousy. If I want jealousy in return for my gift, I need to lash out with the credit card. A paper that I read the other day listed "Gifts for him" including a $350,000 car and a $56,000 watch. That kind of gift would make other people jealous that they weren't rich enough to give such a thing. It's probably the sort of gift that the recipient wants in order to inspire jealousy in others, too. But does it work? I know the difference between a $19,990 + on road costs Kia buzz-box, and a red sporty thing with insufficient leg room for us tall guys but beyond that ... no. The only people that could tell the difference between a $100,000 sports car and a $350,000 sports car are people who have enough money to be interested in such things. And they aren't going to be jealous of your money - they have enough of their own. Similarly with watches. And as for the $9,000 cocktail jacket - looking at it, the only two thoughts that came to mind were: "Whose bedspread was it made from?" and "Do they make it for men?"
Pay down the debt: Another reason I might give a gift is to pay down the guilt and obligation debt. There are people that mean almost nothing to you, that you haven't seen much during the year and would, in some cases, be hard pressed to pick out of a line-up but you have to buy them something at Christmas. No-one is really sure why. I think it's one of things that is expected by society. In this case, though, I think if we polled members of society individually, they would say they'd be just as happy to give the whole thing a miss so the mystery is, where is this pressure coming from?
It's not really a mystery though, is it? You know where it's coming from. This is "society" as presented by the media - MediSoc. MediSoc is the phenomenon that gives us "society expects women to be skinny" and "society judges us on how we dress" and "society looks down on ... whatever it is society disapproves of this month". We get our ideas of normal from the people around us but more from the impression we get from the media about what the people around us think is normal. This is the power of MediSoc.
And MediSoc is being paid for by camel retailers who need to get enough cash into the hump at Christmas to last them through the year. So the pressure to buy "debt reduction" gifts isn't going away any time soon.
As an insult: Ironically, it is quite possible to insult someone with a gift. Make it too small, too kitsch, too unimaginative or downright inappropriate and the message is one of disdain and humiliation. In fact, as a service to the buying public, we could introduce a scale - rather like the coffee strength indicator beans - for insulting gifts. The tag might read something like "Perfect for insulting someone" and be followed by a number of tongues sticking out making raspberry noises as an indication of just how insulting the gift is.
Maybe our gift tags could look something like this - with apologies for the artwork - I failed art at school.
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