The little black dictionary

I have, at various points, honoured the work of one of the great wordsmiths - Douglas Adams. Today I will continue to do so by adding more to his wonderful dictionary "The Meaning of Liff"; the basic premise of which was to take place names and to given them meanings for experiences we all have but for which there are no words.

Today, it's for the parents. A little black dictionary for those experiences you don't even want to admit to yourself that you have.

My apologies to the good people of Norwich and Norfolk.

Spixworth (n) - the thirty five cents or so of change which is all you're going to get from a fifty when you take the family to dinner at Maccas because you just can't be bothered cooking tonight.

Hellesdon (n) - the infernal experience of having to cope with the kids when you've got a force 10 flu going on and you'd really rather they all went to Hell so you could crawl back into bed and feel sorry for yourself.

Little Melton (n)- a polite way to describe the kid whose behaviour is a sure sign of future jail time and whose father is clearly where he got it from but with whom your child insists on maintaining a friendship, despite your ongoing efforts to:

• separate them,
• have the child expelled from the school or, at a pinch, 
• abducted by aliens.

Costessey (n) - the money you begrudge your kids occasionally because you'd rather spend it on a dirty weekend away than on the $120 rowing outfit they need and the $400 matching tracksuit, hat and gear bag.

Elsing (v) - just straight lying to your kids to get them off your back for ten minutes.

Barnham Broom (n) - the piece of cleaning equipment that you feel like wrapping around their heads because your children haven't managed to pick up the three bits of Lego, damp towel and orphaned school shoe that you've only asked them to tidy away twenty times in the last half hour.

Blofield (n)- those 16 square grid things that what passes for homework these days is laid out in and you know is going to be the bane of your existence for the next fortnight. Although three of the items are meditate, play a game with your family and exercise (which you can tick off on night one), the others are monsters. In reality, they are so difficult that you are going to have to do the work yourself, with just enough input from the kid to make you feel OK about it.

Stoke Holy Cross (expletive) - the only phrase you can come out with at 9pm when they are still fighting and won't go to sleep and you know you're not allowed to scream 'Go to sleep, you little shits!"

Surlingham (adj) - descriptive of the bedroom of a teenage daughter whose life is falling apart due to the injustice imposed by asking her to help with the washing up. There are probably rude little notes on the door, too.

Horning (v)- trying to get the kids into bed and asleep early.

Horsey Windpump (n) - the person who doesn't actually have young kids but feels the need to pass snide remarks about what good parenting is or to make comments like "Well my parents would never have put up with that".

Langley v Chedgrave - the important piece of case  law that allowed the defence of "having young children" to be advanced in cases of murder of Horsey Windpumps.

Saxlingham Nethergate (n) - the made up excuse you find for not attending your kids' school assembly or liturgy when, in reality, you just can't bear another minute of listening to the aural offences committed by the school band or the patronising, nasal voice of the principal.