The PAPA awards

Excitement is high here in Sydney tonight as we get ready for the 2014 PAPA awards.  We should be seeing the first of the red carpet arrivals very soon and, Bob,  what sort of night can we expect?

Joanne,  it's going to be a night of forced smiles,  gritted teeth and false bonhomie as these parents gather.  In reality they can barely tolerate the sight of each other but, as always in public, they'll have to put a well prepared, over made up face on it.

Bob, tell the viewers a bit about these awards.

The Parenting As Performance Art awards, Joanne, started ten years ago as a way to indulge that fundamental human instinct to prove oneself superior to others and justify one's haughty and dismissive attitude towards people who are just, well, inferior - in every way. They celebrate parenting that is excellent,  exemplary and most likely to produce - in the practitioner's eyes - children who are sure to inherit their parent's self appointed social status, snobby exclusivity and hubris so intense it's worn like a "Kick me here" sign somewhere between the waist and the knees.

And what will the competition be like, Bob?

Joanne,  as always,  it will be fiercely contested. Battled out with superficial smiles and cuttingly kind words, with all actions justified by appeal to higher goods such as childhood nutrition, helping out the school, reducing a carbon footprint or providing funds to support sufficiently grateful and not too smelly poor people.

One of the most tightly fought contests tonight will be Best Birthday Party.  Helen Jervis, who is just arriving now with her son Keiran - dressed in a tailor-made three piece suit to show of his mum's wealth - thought she had this category sewn up this year with her jumping castle, clown, and hotdogs made with crusty French bread and gourmet chippolata sausages.  Smug in her assumed victory,  she was reportedly apoplectic a week later when Evie Crane came storming in with tethered balloon rides, a sashimi chef and iTunes vouchers in the party bags at her daughter Meladee's 7th birthday celebration.

Yes Bob,  I think the police have insisted they don't arrive together tonight for fear Helen may breach her restraining order.

The category of Most Hobbies is a packed field this year.  Kole Tregearther is favorite though, with each of his kids learning three musical instruments,  two languages,  helping out at three charities and getting at least two photos in the school newsletter each week.  He'll be hard to beat and doesn't he know it! Arriving slightly late as always,  Kole is hardly out of the limo before he's boasting to the assembled media pack how much his kids have done today and letting reporters know what a self-sacrificing git he is driving them from one to the other all day - feeding them healthful snacks on the way.

Unnecessary School Charity Event is the other one to watch this evening.  It's a difficult field to get noticed in these days and the nominees are all unjustifiably prideful of what they've done.

Yes Bob,  getting parents to come out in support of yet another good cause is hard these days.  Schools everywhere have started clamping down on the exponential growth of coloured clothes days,  mini fetes, walks, runs, bake sales, discos and rocket launches run by do-gooder parents. These people are desperate to be the object of their enemies' envy by being known as the most painfully moral wrecker of Friday nights - yet another bloody school event on a Friday night - in the country.  In some parts of Australia,  the total charitable contribution that parents are being asked for exceeds the school fees by two or three times - and that is at some of the most pretentiously expensive private schools you can find.

Indeed Joanne. The big one of course is the ultimate prize; going home with the coveted "Just Better Than You" trophy. The judges will be looking for performance across the board in this category. Winners will need to show their skills in:

• Using a shared parenting moment about childhood discipline problems to make the other parent feel inadequate because "Our Genevieve doesn't do anything like that";
• Eloquent "children of good parents like me don't do that sort of thing" disdainful look used when someone else's child spills chocolate milk or bashes another child with his pirate sword;
• Endless one-upmanship in conversation whereby no-one else's child can have an accomplishment better than my child; and
• Consistently over-dressed for minor school events like fetes, parent-teacher nights and helping with the reading.

It's a tough category but there are many fine Australian parents who would qualify and we look forward to seeing tonight's winner.