Unashamedly:
And I think there are lessons in that show that, if we were but to heed them, would make our lives easier.
Take A Scandal in Belgravia. There are three lessons to learn:
- Don't wear a sheet to Buckingham Palace;
- Never take your eyes off a boomerang; and
- Body measurements matter.
Now I know that even referring to the fact that women have erogenous zones at all is a misogynistic hanging offence these days, let alone admiring them or knowing the sizes thereof. However, in the interest of making humanity's life easier, I will risk a flaying ...
Body measurements matter. Numbers matter and numbers should mean something.
I dislike shopping. I don't know if I qualify as sociopathic quite yet but I think there's a definite misanthropic tendency that is strengthening as I get older. Human interactions need to have purpose and exposure to large numbers of people in chaotic situations engaged in superficial activities should be avoided entirely unless death is on the line. I dislike shopping.
However, my wife tells me that it's not acceptable to wear the same five shirts (all blue) every day for three years and, therefore, I must actually enter a store. My immediate response is to leap from the couch and find something urgent and more important to do like sorting bolts into lengths or greasing the axes of symmetry.
In the end, she despairs of getting me out of the house and into a changing room so she buys shirts for me. This is fine by me, I couldn't care less what I wear. I think the men of Rome had it sorted; white toga - done! Maybe not so practical on a bicycle but I'm sure I could adapt. My wife, however, isn't into togas and buys me shirts. She knows I'm an XL and so she finds me some.
And half of them don't fit.
Not all of them, half of them. Why? Because 'XL' doesn't mean anything at all. All you can say is that it's bigger, in some dimensions, than L and smaller, in another set of dimensions, than XXL. The only thing that you can guarantee about men's shirts is that they won't be long enough to tuck in properly - especially if you're tall.
I hear that things are worse in women's fashion. Apparently there is a trend among some clothing labels to devalue the currency and make what used to be a 16 into a 12 so that fat people don't feel fat - they can claim to "fit back into a size 12". Tragic as supporting this kind of mindless self-delusion is, surely it makes it impossible to buy clothing.
Children's clothes are sized completely at random. Shoes, shirts, socks, those little terry-towelling onesies that I'm sorry I ever grew out of. The numbers from 0000 to 3 are assigned completely arbitrarily. This is actually harming human conversation as it's removed one of the inane baby questions from the repertoire:
"Goodness, he's big! What size is he in now?"
Who knows?
I'm a grown adult and I don't even know what size shoes I take. Any answer I give has to be hedged with all sorts of disclaimers about how it depends on the manufacturer and if the sizes are given in US - like most sports shoes are, UK - like most formal shoes are, or Penguin - which appears to be the standard for thongs (flip-flops) and sandals.
Would it be so hard to establish some standards? My foot is a given number of centimetres long and a given number of centimetres wide just behind the toes. Are there any other measurements that matter? Size the shoes that way.
Babies are easy. Length is really the only variable. There's always a tonne of play in those things for the chubby ones and generous allowance made for the nappy.
Men's pants and shirts are also easy. Chest, gut, length for shirts and waist and length for pants. I can write all that on a card and my wife can be assured of getting clothes that fit. Or, better still, I can order five pairs of pants and five shirts - all identical - online and set up the order to repeat once a year. Every Australia Day (26 January) I can be delighted to receive a package of new clothing and never have to have listened to musak or fended off a shop assistant.
Women, as always, are a complicated mystery. There's bust size, cup size, waist size, hip size, length, self-esteem, feeling on the day and not wanting to be seen wearing what one wore yesterday or this time last week or what other people are wearing. The interpersonal, psychological stuff you can keep - as noted above, the intricacies of human interactions are not my strong point - but I am more than happy to accept a government grant to conduct research into the rest to establish an international standard. Actually, you probably don't even need to pay me - a tape measure is all I require.
Sound and Fury is published every Monday and Thursday morning, Australian Eastern Standard Time.
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