To answer your question

Yes, it is weird that her bra reminds you of a Katy Perry song. Did you have a particular song in mind? "Hot n Cold"? In that case, swap to the other end of the shag pile and give her left side a chance to be close to the fire. "I kissed a girl" or "Ur so gay"? Then I think you're barking up the wrong tree, my friend. And if it's "Teenage Dream" then come along with me, please sir. You have the right to remain silent ...

No! I don't want to build a Snowman! In case you haven't figured it out, I have a genetic condition- runs in the family- that means everything I touch turns to ice. Your song is like turning up outside an alcoholic's house and singing "Do you want to have a beer yet?" every day for FOURTEEN YEARS! You're mono-maniacal to a disturbingly unhealthy degree. Your obsession with one person and one activity over that period of time is surely a sign that you need to see some kind of mental health professional. Go skiing, ride a toboggan, make snow-angels, anything! Just lay off about the snowman already.

As a byline, the question of people with variations on the Midas touch needs careful thinking out. That guy on the Skittles ad - has he just developed his condition or has he been afflicted for some while? 

Wives get cranky enough if they go for some midnight relief and find that the seat's been left up. Imagine how they'd be if they went to sit down, half awake, and fell, naked posterior first, into a large pile of coloured confectionery? On the other hand, he could always get a job opening the door to Jehovah's witnesses - a polite "Good morning", a firm handshake and you could invite the neighbourhood kids round to help themselves.
 
Kermit, the reason there are so many songs about rainbows is because of grandfathers. Some kid, somewhere in history, asked her pop,"What's at the other end of the rainbow?" Then pop, in that way that only grandfathers can get away with, took her onto his lap and told her 15 minutes of the most preposterous crap you're ever heard. And because it was pop, and he said it in that special voice, she believed it.

After some careful research I found Mr Simon Prendergast of 44 The Avenue, West Townsville. He, apparently, put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp. He admits as much. He vehemently denies, however, putting the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dang; he mentioned some kind of sheep allergy ... He also reacted very negatively and threatened to set the hounds on me when I suggested that it was he who had let the dogs out. I'll leave that one up to your judgement.

Yes, I really want to hurt you. Your music is dreadful and your outfits even worse. Most of your music has, much to the relief of all of us, faded into the celebrated mists of time; EXCEPT Karma Chameleon. Why it features on "Best of the 80s" albums, I 'll never know. It was never the best of anything - other than being the clear winner of Best Twee Lyrics of 1983. To answer the Clash's question - go!

And if you have to ask the question, then the answer is almost certainly "No-I won't still love you tomorrow". Unless, of course, you want to do that thing you did with the yoghurt again. In that case, I'll tell you whatever you want to hear.

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Sound and Fury is published every Monday and Thursday mornings, Australian Eastern Standard Time.