Coffee blends for the 21st century

Coffee has replaced money as the commodity that makes the world go round; nothing is happening in the western world without caffeine.  At the very least it fuels the people that earn the money that makes the world go round and that's what I call ultimate cause.

And I love mine 5 bean + strong.  If it doesn't lift the top part of my skull off and cause electricity to discharge from my fingers, the barista is at risk of serious bodily harm.

Now I know that not everyone enjoys Defibrillator blend so here are some proposals for some new blends for the 21st century:

NOT YET. The capital letters are mandatory. This coffee blends the strongest roast Arabica with just a tiny taste of Valium. Designed mostly for parents, this coffee is the one you have when your kids have woken you, yet again, from your most erotic dream at 5.30 on Sunday morning. Whatever they want at that time, the answer is NOT YET - Arabica to kick start your heart and the Valium to calm you just enough not to kill anyone. Also likely to be popular with people forced by work commitments to be in departure lounge at the airport before 6 AM.

Hide My Face. This combines very light roast with a shot of Irish Whiskey. Hide My Face is loved by people going into long meetings with idiots. Make up a huge plunger of Hide My Face and you can raise your cup to your mouth as often as you need and the look of disgust and ridicule on your face will be effectively disguised. The whiskey works to help control your violent urges.

Good Excuse. Meeting an old fiend for coffee? Something like an old friend but one of those people you thought you got rid of years ago. They just keep popping up, unaware that you were happy for them to remain a half remembered name in the yearbook. Good Excuse is your blend. Go to a little street cafe - one of the ones without toilets. Good Excuse maximises the diuretic effect of caffeine and, after one cup and about ten minutes, you will need to make your excuses and wander off in search of a department store at which you can pretend to be shopping.

The Boss. There's a fad, amongst some real connoisseurs, for a coffee brewed from a bean that's passed through the digestive system of a cat of some description. The Boss is just like that - coffee for the powerful person in your life, the one you really love to hate. The beans of The Boss haven't passed through the cat, however, they are just mixed with dried manure. Buy it for the CFO and, when she says, "This coffee tastes like sh*t", you can explain how it's the latest thing in rare flavours, drunk by the most discerning.

Apollo 11. Fly me to the moon. Strong coffee and hallucinogenic mushroom powder. If you're stuck at a family gathering for the next three hours and Uncle John is going to spend that time talking to you about motorbike engines, brew yourself a large cup of Apollo 11. You'll appear happy, interested and pleasant while soaring through worlds of your own imagination. Of course, if your personal Cloud 9 is strewn with mechanical parts then you're in heaven already and you and Uncle John can find an isolated corner of the table at which to enjoy your perversions in peace.

_Post Orgasmic Bliss. The underscore isn't a typo, it's very much part of the name of this blend. No drink could pretend to be as good as the real Bliss but it can be the next best thing, thus the underscore. This is the coffee that you always wish you were having. The one that could take two hours to drink because you don't have anything else to do. It's certainly drunk in front of a glistening ocean and is probably followed up by another cup and accompanied by a fine plate of crepes or a friand (I think that's a kind of cake - or is it a girlfriend without benefits?) or something equally indulgent. This is a medium roast blended with a mild opiate. Even if you can only take five minutes to drink this cup, your session in paradise will be assured.

We welcome suggestions on new blends you may like.

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