They're obvious and pathetic. It reflects poorly on the country if we don't have a process of continual improvement and better practice standards in this important area of our economy. So here is my contribution - scamming for beginners.
Step 1: Spotlight. All good hunters know that you need to dazzle the prey in the headlights. Stun your target with the offer of something unbelievable; astounding returns on investments, the woman or man of your dreams, free money or a member so long that wearing shorts will no longer be a possibility.
If you need guidance in this area, remember the New York Nightclub Fantasy. Everyone going to a nightclub, everywhere in the world is, in their spirit, at that perfect nightclub in a far away city (New York fits the bill nicely) where all the women are beautiful, all the men can dance, the music is the chicest, the drinks are the most perfectly mixed and the drugs are reliably ecstatic. Better yet, they are in the VIP lounge of that club.
Whatever you are offering has to be perfect and something that the punter believes they could not possibly obtain on their own. You have to sell an unattainable Nirvana, the tickets to which fall as manna from heaven on the lucky few, not something that most of us could get with a little self-denial and some hard work.
Step 2: Exclusivity. Make the punter feel special. Only they are getting this once-in-a-lifetime golden ticket to all that is good. Let them fill in the mental blank with this line:
"After all, I've worked hard for so long. I deserve something like this."
Remember, most adults still believe in Santa - fair rewards for being moral and hardworking. The red man has a lot to answer for but he's working for you in this case.
Now there's no chance that you can really make your scam truly exclusive. That would mean hitting the right target the first time. You need a broad based approach that relies on about 5% of your targets taking the bait. So how do you make a group of 300 people all attending the same seminar believe that they, personally, deserve this good fortune?
Firstly - isolate them. Don't let them talk to each other once they're in. Set up a little competition between them. Make sure their discretion is a key element in their success.
Secondly - bring them all in on the ground level then, through individual contact, sell upgrades. If you've got a dodgy share trading scheme, get them all in to the Members' Longue. Then email them to say that, due to their great track record, they are being offered a discounted upgrade to platinum status.
Damn American Express, by the way. Gold status used to mean something - you had to be really rich to get in. Now everyone expects Gold as of right. So they introduced Platinum, which was supposed to be the card only for those people whose Mercedes were less than two years old and whose trophy wife was over 5'11" and under 50kg. Then that particular lounge got mobbed by the mob as well. Now you need to find new elements to name your lounges after to make it seem like somewhere special. Diamond is good (it's really carbon but "The Carbon Lounge" sounds like a coal cellar). Cadmium is, I believe, fairly rare. You might get away with Xenon. I'd stay clear of Uranium and Livermorium though; they're both radioactive, highly unstable and the last one sounds like something that makes you turn a nasty shade of yellow.
Step 3 Basic credibility. This is where most modern scams fall down. They can get the first two but fall at this last fence.
No one is going to fall for
- Unexpected inheritances
- Unexpected lottery wins
- Sexy hot women only 5 miles from your location who are yours at the mere click of a button
- Climate change denial
Do your due diligence. Look up the corporate regulator's website and read their scam pages. No, this is not research on how to construct your business model. These are the scams people found out about. Their promoters are mental not mentors.
You need a tie in to an already respectable area of investment. Real estate or the stock market are perfect. Bonds of some kind sound safe - grandma and grandpa will fall for a little of that in their desperate attempt to get the pension to last a few years longer. Make sure you've got some parchment coloured certificates with gilt edging, though. They look as safe as houses.
As do houses. Your punters are looking for investments that are maximum return for minimal to zero work. They feel like they've done something by coming along to your seminar, reading all ten pages of your brochure and looking up your website to see if you're legit. They don't want to be traipsing all over the countryside inspecting properties, researching price trends or reading pest inspection reports. Build the bloody things out of cardboard and Krazy Glue if you like. Just make sure they look good in the photos in the brochure.
These are the basic steps. There are more skills such as complex corporate structures, insane banking arrangements, Byzantine tax dodges and the like but they are for the advanced students in the Diamond Diploma Course.
Good luck.
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Sound and Fury is published every Monday and Thursday morning, Australian Eastern Standard Time.
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