Welcome to Australia

Welcome to Australia – and welcome to our language

Congratulations on your decision to come to live here in Australia. It’s a fine country with much to recommend it. The language will, however, present you with some challenges, even if you do already speak English.

You’ll have learned by now that “How ya goin?” is a greeting, not a question and that “too easy” is synonymous with “yes, I can do that for you” not “please don’t insult me by asking me to do something so basic”.

There are, however, more traps for the linguistically unwary. Here are some of the things you’ll hear and the types of responses that you might make.

“My how you’ve grown!” This is always said in a highly surprised and hysterical voice to young children. Children grow anyway and it might seem odd that an adult would be so surprised at the fact. You might even take the comment as something of an insult because the only circumstances under which a child would not grow is if they were malnourished; it could be a reflection on your parenting (“I’m surprised at how much you’ve grown, seeing how bad your parents are at feeding you properly”). It’s not that at all. It’s just that the adult speaking isn’t very good with children and doesn’t have anything else to say. The child won’t have anything to say either because the only responses that make any sense are “Yes” or “Obviously”. The first one sounds odd and the second one sounds rude. So the kid just smiles and you say something like “I know. Eats me out of house and home.” That phrase doesn’t make any sense either but it covers over the awkward moment and allows the mutual embarrassment to pass without further comment.

“What are you looking at?” It is rarely a good idea to answer this question. The honest answer would be something like “I’m looking at you making a drunken fool out of yourself” or “I’m learning something from your appalling parenting skills and the unedifying spectacle of an adult and an 8 year old having a screaming match over an ice cream”. Honesty is not, despite a popular cliché to the contrary, always the best policy. If you’ve come from a totalitarian state then treat this question like police brutality – just pretend you didn’t see the anything.

“Can I help you?” This is the shop assistant’s question and, again, don’t take this question at face value. The only sensible answer would appear to be “I don’t know, you tell me, are you capable of helping me?” It’s actually an offer to do something for you. Word of warning! If the person uttering the phrase is not in a position of minimum-wage servitude, it’s probably synonymous with “What are you looking at?” – i.e. this is none of your business and only by leaving now can I guarantee you’ll do so with all your fingers still attached.

“That will be $4.50 all together.” And you’ve only bought one thing. What do they mean by “all together”? Have they added an extra immigrants’ tax to it? Did you accidentally give them the secret sign and they’ve slipped a packet of ribbed ticklers into the bag? No, it’s nothing like that. All it means is that the shop assistant is suffering from Siri Syndrome: they only know a small handful of fixed phrases and if you try to communicate with them using anything else you’ll get a blank stare and a repeat of the “Can I help you?”

Finally, if someone asks you “What was your name?” it’s not a sign that they suspect you have a multiple personality disorder or are living a secret life – they just can’t get their verb tenses correct and adding “at all” to the end of a question is not offering you part of an apparently indivisible object (“Would you like the raspberry muffin instead, at all?” or “Would you like a smack in the head, at all?”) it’s probably just verbal filler designed to make what would otherwise be a fairly abrupt question sound softer and the asker sound more stupid.

Go on, share that with the world. Tell them how funny it was.