New standards for Australian pharmacies have been announced
that make it easier for consumers to make informed choices.
From 1 July next, all pharmacies will have to be laid out
and signposted in the following fashion:
Area A: This area is reserved for products that are both
medicines and are proven to work. Proven, in this case, means “having been
subjected to long term, peer reviewed, double blind studies”. In most
pharmacies, this area is already clearly designated by being ‘behind the
counter’; the general public can obviously not be trusted to have unsupervised
access to anything that actually works. Pharmacies that choose only to have
Area A will, of course, be able to operate out of a fruit barrow on the side of
the road.
Area B: This area is
for products that, while not medicines, have honesty of purpose, proven
efficacy and some relationship to health or hygiene. Tissues, toilet paper,
toothpaste, soap, shampoo and nail scissors fall into this category.
Area C: For products that, while having honesty of purpose,
have no link to health or hygiene. Makeup is likely to be the biggest component
of Area C in most pharmacies. Lipsticks, foundations, blushers, cuticle tools
of no apparent purpose and those strange foam things that push your toes apart
will feature heavily on the shelves.
Area D: Already nicknamed “The Pit of Despair” by the
designers of the legislation, access to this area will be carefully controlled
to ensure that those taking anti-depressant medication are not admitted. Any
product that clearly broadcasts the message “You are beyond repair” will be
sold here. Mobility scooters, walking sticks, those “you really should be in a
wheelchair” walking frame things, off-prescription reading glasses and day-of-the-week
labelled pill boxes will all be sent to Area D.
Area F: “E” has been deliberately bypassed in the standard
to allow the appropriate “F” to be initial for this area. “F” for “What the
F$%k?”. Where a pharmacy has decided, for principled reasons of profit, to sell
dog worming pills, cat toys, chocolates and other junk food (great for
diabetics), children’s playthings or luggage, they will all be in Area F. Area
F is where the consumer may wander in wonder that anyone allied to the health
profession would stock this stuff.
Area 51: Making up the bulk of most pharmacies’ offering,
Area 51 is reserved for products aimed at the crackpots. Entry to Area 51 will
mandatorily carry a sign reading “All reason abandon, ye that enter here” and
will have a three drink minimum. A large majority of the stock carried in many
pharmacies will, after 1 July, be relocated here. Homeopathic, naturopathic,
traditional Chinese or other hocus pocus potions will reside here. On the next
shelf will be copper bracelets, magnetic mattress overlays and essential oils.
A whole aisle will be devoted to vitamins. Space will be allowed for joint
support braces made out of pants elastic, anything promising to boost the
immune system and objects with a relationship to Feng Shui. Chiropractors,
naturopaths, acupuncturists and faith healers will be allowed to set up shop in
small niches in the walls. In place of verified or verifiable health benefits,
products in Area 51 will simply carry a label asking “Do you believe?”
Although it is acknowledged that most of the profits of a
pharmacy come from products that will be sent to Area 51 post the
implementation of the new standards, the sane and scientific regulators hold
out some hope that the public will see and understand the reference and start
doing some kind of thinking.
Yeah, fat chance !
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