The seven ages of man

Age 1: Obliviousness. From birth to age 5, there is no concept of mess. When an object is no longer of immediate interest, it is discarded there and then. Why not? There are plenty of other baubles out there to interest us and we know where to come back to when we want this particular plaything again. Unless, of course, our pesky parents or one of the other great voices in the sky rearranges our world – yet again. Our gods are capricious and sometimes we can find the things we want, other times they have been moved in mysterious ways.

Age 2: The elderly parent in the nursing home stage – out of sight, out of mind. This phrase was famously translated by a computer program from English to Russian and back again to English and came out as “Blind Insanity”. For the age group 5 – 11, this seems about right. By this age, we have realized that our parents have an emotional reaction to seeing “stuff all over the floor”. The only logical solution is to make sure they can’t see it. Tidiness, for this age group, involves hiding as much as possible under the bed or in a wardrobe and then putting a heavy object against the door to keep it closed. Parents of children in this age group can be satisfied that their offspring have met their developmental milestones if they have mastered the art of making sure nothing is left sticking out from under the sheet, draped in a suspiciously lengthy way off the side of the bed.

Age 3: Mi casa, mi casa. From ages 12 – 17, as the nascent identity develops, the child becomes obsessive about the tidiness of her own stuff and completely oblivious to the state in which anyone else’s space is left. Bras can be left over the back of the couch, shoes hidden treacherously in shadows in the hallway and school bags left vomiting blackened apples and antique excursion notes on the dining room table but God help you should you venture beyond the sacred portal and move the diary, the drumsticks or the celebrity photo from their assigned positions in the sanctum.

Age 4: Born again. After leaving home and moving into shared housing, the child matures into a holier-than-thou young adult that chastiseth their housemates for their slovenly ways. No matter how often, in the bosom of their family, they left the lid off the toothpaste, the toilet seat up, the dishes unwashed or the wine glasses evolving intelligent civilisations under the comfy chair, once in a flat with others, this person becomes a model of motherhood. No transgression can go unnoticed, no skid mark uncriticised.

Age 5: The Neville Chamberlain age. Married, settled in a modern, three bedroom home in a new housing estate, the maturing adult has discovered the cost of carpets and furnishings and has developed an almost unholy obsession with the maintenance thereof. Shoes must be removed at the door, the good, white lounge never sat upon and the chairs of the seven piece dining setting in the most modern of styles, returned lovingly to their assigned places at the completion of the meal. “Tidiness in our time” has been achieved. The bedroom is the problem in this model. His sperm is going to invade Poland any day now and all hell is going to break loose.

Age 6: The age of Sisyphus (read that again, carefully). Sisyphus, founder of Corinth and con-artist, was, as legend has it, condemned to roll a stone up a hill only to watch it roll down the other side again, up which side it would have to be pushed … and so on, for all eternity. Enter the age of children. The exhausted parent sticking bills to be paid anywhere a flat surface can be found, the child in the early stages dumping baubles under cushions or pulling cereal boxes out of pantries and playing Hansel-and-Gretel with the contents. Tidiness is now an impossible dream. It replaces women in lyrcra outfits as the fantasy of choice and the parent is made feel insecure about it by the endless advertisements showing angelically clean children playing on polished tiled floors alongside dogs with seemingly irremovable hair. No matter how hard they work, parents can never achieve tidiness.

Age 7: The museum or Return to Eden. The children have left, the grandchildren only visit occasionally. Tidiness can rule. As a reaction to the curse of Sisyphus, mementoes of holidays, photos of idealized grandchildren and other valuable items are carefully and tastefully displayed on what was, until now, unaffordable furniture. The smallest speck of dust is quickly and ruthlessly dealt with and even petals falling from floral displays never even make it to the ground. Tidiness has finally been achieved. Just in time for the whole lot to be handed out to the relatives in the aftermath of your funeral.

For some, the first age returns as the mind takes an early taxi home, leaving the body to party on alone. Objects again become of fleeting interest and the baubles, much more expensive now, are just as elusive.

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