Monday, 24 March 2014

The Doc Martin Protocols

I am a great fan of the Port Wenn medic and my wife thinks that there is more than a little of him in me. Fair enough, I can accept that. That being the case, I would like to propose a new set of social protocols to make conversations clearer, more effective and to prevent people taking unnecessary offence; the Doc Martin protocols.


SBI. If I flag SBI, then the conversation that follows is a Strictly Business Interaction. Just fill the prescription. I don’t want to know about your kids, I have no interest in village gossip and the weather is a matter of sublime indifference to me. We are not, in this case, interacting as two human beings; I have a business need that I think you can fill. End of story.
WIA. Well Intentioned Advice. Children can be given advice on such matters as unsuitable friends, inappropriate clothing choices or bad financial decisions, why can’t adults? I am more than happy to receive such advice if offered in a spirit of honesty and generosity and, if I give it under the banner of WIA, it comes in the same spirit. Adulthood does not guarantee omniscience and there are far too many people sitting around, cringing at the disaster someone, who is supposedly a friend, is walking into, and doing nothing about it. WIA them. You are welcome to do the same to me. Offence not intended and none is permitted to be taken.
JDC. Simply I Just Don’t Care. If you a raise a topic with me that is of passionate interest to you and I have listened for more than three minutes, I have the right to call JDC. You have the same right with me. It’s a direct way of saying “You can talk about this for the next hour and I won’t be any more interested than I am now.” It doesn’t mean I don’t like you as a person or that your interests are not important, it’s just that they mean nothing to me and we would have a mutually more fulfilling interaction if we moved on to another topic of conversation.
NTA. I Need Time Alone and lots of it. That doesn’t make me a sociopath it makes me an introvert. Sometimes I don’t feel like talking to people, particularly people I don’t know well because that’s a lot of hard work. Other times, even people I know well are liable to be eviscerated if they want to talk to me. I neither need nor want to interact all the time. The purpose of this protocol is to, without offence, allow people to decline social invitations or leave parties early because they have just had enough of other people.
OHD. In some interactions involving technical matters, One of us Has a Degree. If you continue to offer your inexpert opinion on something I have studied for some years, you are going to make a fool of yourself. You are also going to try my patience to the point of meltdown. You do have a right to an opinion but that’s not to say that your opinion is right. If one of us has expertise and the other doesn’t, I think we can call OHD and move on to the next thing, can’t we?
IGA. Is this Going Anywhere? I know we are fellow human beings, we share many of the same joys and sorrows in life as countless billions have done before us and doubtless many will into the future. Children, work, money, spouses, health etc. I don’t need half an hour of small talk to re-establish our mutual humanness. After a couple of minutes, I’m going to call IGA by which I mean, “Are we going to get to a deeper level in this conversation or start to have an informed debate?” If the answer is “no” then I want to move on to the next interlocutor; there’s nothing for me here.
TOV. If I have been forced to listen to an idiot talking for too long then I will get up and leave. Why? Because it’s That Or Violence. Chickens that cluck and cluck and never actually lay anything tend to get their heads chopped off. If you witter away, never saying anything, never challenging my opinions, never providing inspiration for my thoughts to go off into unexplored territory, then I’m going to cut the conversation short before I do something similar to you.

No comments:

Post a Comment