Signwriters of Australia - save us

From the cave paintings at Lascaux through the hieroglyphs of the Pharaoh to the mystery of Linear B, what we write on our walls will be, in centuries to come, how archaeologists come to understand and judge our civilization. what will they think of us? Sign-writers of Australia, I call on you to secure our posterity.

 

Retail is not exciting. Sport is exciting. Roller coasters are exciting. Maths - particularly calculus - is exciting. Yet another chain store selling cotton-so-thin-it’s-water-soluble "fashion" is not exciting. Please don't paint signs saying

 

"Exciting new retail experience opening here soon!"

 

I don't have an endless series of problems; not everyone needs "solutions" in their business title. Waste management solutions, tile and bathroom solutions, sex deprivation solutions, crime management solutions, sobriety solutions. Also known as bin men, tilers, whores, cops and pubs. Save us from "solutions", I implore you.

 

I don’t want to go on about spelling and apostrophes – you know whereof I speak – but please take special note that store names are singular- even if they end in ‘s’. "Mathers has moved" not "have moved".

 

Billboards are high speed experiences. At 100 kph the best you can expect is that I will get a business name and a logo. My wife has never said to me,

 

"Honey just double back a second, I need to get the phone number, web address, full product list and insanely complicated directions to the fish and chip shop in the next town."

Billboards are also advertising to travellers. When I roll into town, I could conceivably need petrol, food and accommodation. Unless I've brought a posse and an iconic tune that will be whistled badly for generations to come, I'm unlikely to need legal services, and there are no conceivable circumstances under which I will need help with my tax return. God only knows what the PhD students of the future, writing about our road trips, will believe we were doing.

 

Thai restaurant names are not funny.  "Thai me down", "Thai Riffic", "Why Thai", "Thai the knot" or "Tongue Thai'd". Our distant descendants will find that the lifetime of effort spent understanding our language will have been to no avail other than to read cheap puns. Please save us from being relegated to the Benny Hill category of ancient peoples.

 

And, if you're going to use a tiny font on a roadside sign, at least have the honesty to write "you are about to have a very bad car accident".

 

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