Crisis in the Night Garden

The interests of the authorities were first excited by the violent eruption at high speed of a large, inflatable starfish from the green canopy of the woods of southern England. After tracking the erratic path of the object for some time, NORAD was able to direct the armed forces to a small field in Sussex. On determining that there was no strategic threat to national security, the matter was turned over to British authorities.

The badly deflated object was discovered by police to be a rare, naturally inflatable species called a Ha-Hoo which had suffered a large puncture wound in its upper right body. Using the data provided by NORAD, the source of the Ha-Hoo was tracked to a commune known locally as the Night Garden.

Initial investigations were hampered by a lack of available translators for the local inhabitants who apparently spoke a range of mutually incomprehensible dialects. Not unlike Eskimos who famously have thirty words for snow, one group had only one word for everything: “Tombliboo”. Even with some of Oxford University’s best linguists attempting to differentiate the subtle changes in emphasis, very little sense could be made of the repetitions of the word “Tombliboo” which appeared to function as everything from a name for each individual creature, to expressions for excitement, disappointment and a need to go to the lavatory. Translators commented that they hadn’t had this much difficulty with a sentient species since those little blue guys who only had one verb (and one female) between them.

It became apparent that difficulties in communicating with the Tomblinoos were exacerbated by excessive consumption of something called “Pinky Ponk Juice”. The Tombliboos themselves were often seen to fall down and giggle, and they had repeated difficulties keeping their trousers on.

“Pinky Ponk Juice”, a narcotic previously unknown to authorities, appears to have been named for a locally built flying machine also called a Pinky Ponk. Aviation safety authorities, called in to investigate the strange craft, quickly linked the Pinky Ponk with the injuries to the Ha-Hoo; the injuries to the creature matched exactly the multiple propellers on the aircraft.  Up to that point, investigators had suggested that the puncture wounds to the Ha-Hoo were a result of an accidental encounter with a bird. However staff ornithologists rapidly determined that that all the local birdlife, despite its beautiful plumage, was in fact nailed to the branches of the trees and were therefore unlikely to be culprits.

Engineers, at first amazed that the Pinky Ponk ever got off the ground, inspected the contraption and found a large pink nose but no black box so were unable to provide much data about the accident. It was also unclear who was piloting the craft at the time of the accident because it appeared to be too small for any of the local inhabitants to fit into.

While aviation safety inspectors continue their investigation, responsible authorities are looking into other concerns about life in the commune.

Charges for damage to the environment are being preferred against one Macca-Pacca whose apparent need to rub everything with a sponge has ring-barked a significant number of local trees and led to erosion of creek beds. Psychologists are currently assessing the extent of Macca-Pacca’s mental illness and there are suggestions he won’t stand trial following a diagnosis of chronic OCD. They are also trying to solve the mystery of why his arse looks exactly the same as his ears.

Witnesses are also being sought into a savage, Yakuza-style assault on Mr I Piggle. “Iggle”, as he is known locally, appears to have had a red blanket sewn to one hand and to have been hit in the side of the head with a shovel – leaving him with a lopsided appearance and chronic insomnia. When interviewed, Mr Piggle refused to provide evidence and other witnesses were sought. Detectives were pointed in the direction of a race of people called Ponti-Pines but were unable to find any trace of their existence. The senior detective has dismissed their existence as “just another result of too much of this Pinky Ponk juice.”

Child welfare authorities are also concerned about a girl living in the commune and known only as Upsy-Daisy. She appears to have no place of abode, is sleeping in the middle of a field and is in an age-inappropriate relationship with Iggle Piggle who, as previously noted, is thought to have an organized crime connection.

Meanwhile colleagues of the translators from Oxford University’s Psychology school have descended on the commune with teams of researchers. The senior researcher was overheard to say “There are enough nut-cases here to make all our academic careers.”

Results of the investigation are expected at an early date.