A Christmas Story

[1] And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.
[2](And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
[3] And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
[4] And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
[5] To be taxed with his sixteen year old girlfriend, Mary, who was great with child.

[6] And, desiring to avoid his father’s wroth and mother’s moral censure, Joseph hid them in a stable.

[7] And there Mary brought forth her firstborn son.

[8] Joseph, being but eighteen years of age, was sorely traumatised by the birth

[9] And vowed never to know Mary again or at least to get a midwife next time.

[10] And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

[11] And lo storm clouds came over them and rain fell upon them and they were cold even unto the bone.

[12] And they said to one another “Bugger this for a game of soldiers, I know a dry stable where we can hide out for the night”

[13] So they took themselves unto Bethlehem and found there in the stable Joseph, Mary and the babe lying in a manger.

[14] And Joseph said unto them, “What do you fellas think you’re doing?”

[15] And the shepherds, after a moment’s rapid thought, said unto him, “We were abiding in the fields and the angel of the Lord appeared to us and the glory of the Lord shone round about us and we were sore afraid.”
[16] And Joseph said, “Like bloody hell! It’s chuckin’ down out there and you just didn’t want to get wet.”
[17] And the shepherds pleaded with Joseph, saying “Fair go. It’s Israel in the middle of winter. It’s about 3 degrees out there, even without the rain.”
[18] And Joseph, who was too tired to argue, said, “Abide over there in the corner and don’t make noise, right?”
[19] Then, behold there came unto the stable three Zoroastrian priests from the east on a tax-payer funded fact-finding mission to explore other religions of that part of the world.
[20] And entered they the stable and, beholding Mary, Joseph and the baby said unto Joseph
[21] “Where is our stuff?”
[22] But Joseph protested his innocence saying, “I know not of what you speak”
[23] But the priests were wise men and said, “Don’t come the King James poetry with us, mate. We had gold, frankincense and myrrh in our hotel room an hour ago and now it’s gone.”
[24] And Joseph said, “What’s that got to do with me?”
[25] And the wise men said, “You were seen climbing out the window.”
[26] But Joseph continued to protest his innocence, “What do you reckon? It’s bucketing down out there. I’ve got a mother here who’s just given birth – you think I’ve got time to climb through windows? Don’t believe me? There’s a baby over there, in that manger. And keep those bloody camels out of it!”
[27] And the wise men looked and beheld the baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in the manger.
[28] And one of the wise men spake saying, “But your clothes are wet.”
[29] And Joseph, angered, responded, “Yeah. I had to clean them up after delivering the baby. You want to see?”
[30] And Joseph, much in wroth, continued, “And if that kid hiding in the back so much as picks up those drumsticks, he’ll be wearing them as mandibles when I shove them up his nostrils!”
[31] Much disturbed in their minds, the wise men left and sought out Herod who was the king of Judea.
[32] And came there to the stable Judith, the on-call social worker from the King Herod Infant Protection Service. And she brought with her a clipboard.
[33] And Joseph said unto her, “What do you want?”
[34] But Judith, much accustomed to such scenes, was calm and said, “We have reports of an at-risk child being born here and some suggestion that there are stolen goods on the premises.”
[35] And Joseph said, “The kid’s fine and there’s nothin’ here that shouldn’t be.”
[36] Judith went to the manger and beheld the child, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying on the straw. And gently did Judith pull back the straw and revealed unto Joseph the gold, frankincense and myrrh which lay there.
[37] And Joseph was sore afraid.
[38] Then Judith spake, saying unto Joseph, “I’m coming back with the police and we’ll find a foster home for that child, somewhere warm.”
[39] Then Judith left.
[40] Then Joseph, Mary and the child, using a hastily acquired camel, fled into Egypt to escape the wroth of Herod.
[41] And Joseph said unto Mary, “We are going to need a good cover story for all this.”
[42] And Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.