My life as a wine bottle

There are times when you think academia - or at least people with jobs at universities - couldn't get any sillier. And then you realise that you're wrong.

We now have a thing called "gamification". If you haven't heard of it, have a look at this helpful definition from the source of all truth in the 21st century.

"Gamification uses an empathy-based approach (such as Design thinking) for introducing, transforming and operating a service system that allows players to enter a gameful experience to support value creation for the players and other stakeholders.^[14] "

I honestly don't know what that means, other than that the author should be indicted for crimes against humanity for using words like "gameful" with apparently serious intent.

Apparently it's the approach of turning things that would not otherwise be games into something like a game on the basis that people will then want to do it. You can use apps to play little games with things like how many coffee shops at a particular chain you've gone into, how many places you've visited around the world, how much learning you've done etc.

Then they award little prizes on a leaderboard. Advanced practitioners even award badges - like the ones you got in Cubs, only worth a lot less because you didn't actually have to butcher and cook your own badger to get one - just drink a lot of coffee.

It's like shopping for wine. Every bottle of wine comes with badges - in the tripartite range of Olympic colours - to convince you of the quality of the vinegar contained therein. Closer inspection will reveal that the badges were awarded by an otherwise unknown wine association, made up of the winemaker and three of her friends, who take it in turns to award each other annual gold medals in the International League of Chateaux de Thames Embankment. It's not like Michelin stars that are awarded by a known organisation - for consistency in creating unlikely combinations of improbable ingredients served on large plates, with accompanying silverware and magnifying glass to help you find the portion. These badges certify nothing, but look good, adorned with laurels and clustered on the top left corner of the label.

Gamification is the same thing. I get a badge for completing a course in advanced navel gazing or for managing to stay awake through three staff briefings in a row. Then I'm invited to share my accolades on a social media platform of my choice - or indeed, on all 26 of them.

But, basically, grow up! Life's not a game! If you still need ribbons for participation and little merit awards for managing not to wet your pants two weeks in a row then you have serious developmental issues; and quite possibly one of the weakest internal loci of control I've ever seen.

The experience of adult life is rewarding, fulfilling, intriguing, joyful, meaningful and triumphant. When you do play a game, it's fun. But not everything is fun. Not everything is game. If you do need to live like a wine bottle with meaningless badges on yourself to assure others of your quality then may God have mercy on your soul.