Dear Meaghan Trainor

Dear Meaghan Trainor,

Thank you for your letter of the 18th instant in which you lay out the terms of your proposed prenuptial agreement.

The terms you propose appear, to our client, to consist of the following key points:

That the following material items be provided:

• A date - we suspect that more than one date is implied 
• A ring
• A bouquet of flowers (annually)

We note, however, that, despite your assurance that you will also be earning an independent income (your "9 to 5"), that you are not proposing to provide similar, or indeed any, material items in return.

That the following assurances be provided by our client:

• That you be told that you are beautiful - daily requirement
• That all disputes be resolved by apology from our client and acknowledgment of the correctness of your position
• That he sleep on the right side of the bed
• That his family be visited less frequently than yours
• That he reassure you of the generally positive state of the world ("everything's alright"), despite your periodic erratic behaviour ("acting crazy")
• That he not indulge in sexual fantasies ("have a dirty mind")
• That doors be held open for you
• That you not be left alone.

While our client retains the greatest respect for you, he is concerned that some of these terms seem to suggest a form of mental instability or even illness on your part. The need to be reassured of your beauty on a daily basis seems to imply chronic insecurity while your prediction that you will indulge in frequent bouts of erratic, even insane behaviour is disturbingly suggestive of an underlying mental health issue requiring counselling and, possibly, medication.

Further, your need to be right on all occasions, that you not be left alone, that our client not indulge in sexual fantasies and that that he be isolated from his family are indicative of an immature, needing and controlling personality, with which a long term relationship would not be likely to succeed.

On a personal note, your attempt to rhyme "date", "babe" and "anniversary" is also deeply concerning.

You appear to be offering, in return for these many considerations:

• To purchase groceries and other items of which my client might stand in need - not, however, to provide meals given your stated inability to cook
• To allow my client to provide you with sexual pleasure ("rock my body right")
• Kisses - although these appears to be only a possibility
• To be the perfect wife - this term is highly vague and non-specific

Your ability to write a hook appears to be non-sequitur to this agreement.

Unless further negotiations can be entered into, we are instructed by our client that the terms of your pre-nuptial proposal are not acceptable and that he will not be seeking to be your one and only, all your life.

Yours faithfully

Messrs Galbraith and Fontenuckle
Solicitors