Gemini: Your stars are aligned directly with the Singapore stock exchange's main sewage outlet pipe. Today is the day that all of your hard earned life savings will go to hell. It's too late to do anything about it - the future is written in the stars. Go looking for a minimum wage job at which you can work until death.
Cancer: The next person you sleep with is going to give you a venereal disease. This is a rock solid certainty. You now only have two paths open to you in life: celibacy or endless itching and creams.
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Sagittarius: The Hubble Space Telescope is in your constellation this month and it's time to do some deep soul searching. You will discover that you, like most of space, are mostly a void with the odd ball of inert gas scattered here and there. After all these years, you have become a vapid, superficial being whose Twitter postings are the only remaining vestiges of personality and intellect.
Libra: Your constellation is being occluded by the moon this month which means that your balance will be out and that mental illness and instability will follow. It's probably worth learning the etymology of "lunatic" at this point. Book a psych appointment now.
Aquarius: Orbiting space junk dominates your sign. Nothing you start this month is going to amount to much; new books you start will just add to the unfinished pile on your bedside table, companies you invest in will never grow and veggies you plant won't fruit. It's just going to be one of those months. I'd stay in bed if I was you.
Aries: There is absolutely nothing in your sign this month. no planets, comets, meteors or little green men. This will be reflected in your life. It will just be ordinary humdrum with nothing special to distinguish it from any other month. You can go on that special holiday if you want to but it won't have any zing to it: you are condemned to tedium for the next 30 days.
Capricorn: The Deception Nebula is in your sign this month but it will look like a star. Someone close to you will turn out not to be who you thought they were. The best course of action open to you is to develop an attitude of advanced paranoia and spend the month scanning anxiously for the first tiny sign of betrayal.
Pisces: The rare eruption of a supernova in Pisces this month presages certain food poisoning with explosive diarrhea for you and your children - probably all at the same. Avoid seafood if you life but it won't do you any good - it might just as well be the pies.
Leo: The arrival of the annual Leonid meteorite shower will ensure that your month is full of stuff being chucked into your schedule at the last minute. Free up some space on the credit card right away. A school fete your kids forgot to tell you about is likely, the dog is probably going to need some kind of surgery on his front left paw and the boss is almost certainly going to send you on a business trip to Hell and back - don't forget to get a receipt from Charon to claim expenses when you return. On the plus side, having your immediate supervisor turn into a pillar of salt or disappear forever on the way back could create a promotion opportunity.
Taurus: As the latest ESA probe to Mars passes through your sign this month, you can expect ongoing niggling hassles with your ICT equipment. Nothing major - no blue screens of death but updates that won't install, driver changes that make your printer stop working - that kind of thing. Block out some hours each evening to spend on the line to various help desks in India.
Virgo: The absence of planetary activity in your sign this month bodes badly for your love life. If you don't have a partner - you ain't getting one and if you do then they're going to have headaches for weeks. Don't forget to check in with your optometrist at the end of the month.
Sound and Fury is published each Monday and Thursday morning, Australian Eastern Standard Time. Please share and enjoy.
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