Even if I wasn't naturally attuned to classical music, I think I'd listen to ABC Classic FM. Why? Because they don't scream at me. I've heard commercial radio morning DJs and I think they should all be drug tested before they go on air. Very few people are naturally that happy, that excited and that loud at any time and no one at that hour of the morning. mornings are a gentle time - or should be - a chance to ease into the day, gingerly opening one's mental eyelids while carefully sipping on that first cup of coffee. I don't want to be awakened by people screaming at me - that's why my wife and I decided not to have any more children. Emma Ayers - thank you for being the aural equivalent of toast with marmalade, a fine cup of tea and the morning paper.
I don't want to end my day being screamed at either. I am not in a state of gasping disbelief at the size of the discount on your vacuum cleaner. I will not become orgasmic at the thought of a cheap used car. I am not driven to paroxysms of ecstasy by visions of discount potatoes. So stop screaming at me about them. In fact, as we move on past 8.30, a little gentle background music and a few discretely lit photos of the merchandise on offer will do nicely, thank you.
And it's not just an aural phenomenon. Your catalogue is exploding at me, blinding me with stars and call outs proclaiming the product to be hot (the correct phrase, by the way, is 'bought from a bloke in the pub'), new, improved, new and improved (an oxymoron) or limited stock (which is called bait advertising and is a breach of the Trade Practices Act). I can't see your product for you screaming at me. This isn't a nightclub. I'm not going to get caught up in the heat of the drug-fueled moment, stunned into insensibility by the stars and the exclamation marks, and wake up finding I've bought something that will take some explaining to my parents later; you're selling books and DVDs. Although ... if people did come into nightclubs with some literal tickets on themselves "up for it", "only in it for free drinks", "shag you and leave you type" or "going to spike your drink" we might all find the experience more rewarding.
I'm not really a hysterical type of person - probably why I was rejected as an audience member for The Voice. I have enthusiasms certainly but they are celebrated quietly with a smile of internal pleasure - not shrieked out like the foaming bezerker ululations of insecure 15 year olds, desperate for social acceptance and a share of the limelight. Speak quietly to me. Make your case in a calm, measured way and maybe I'll listen.
I think it's gotten to a point at which you're screaming so loudly that I can't hear you. There are so many hucksters, so many spruikers out there, all breaching the EU's noise hazard regulations that they've become background din. Just hand me those headphones. Your strategy isn't working.
Reminds me of a stanza from a poem by Banjo Patterson.
And in place of lowing cattle, I can hear the fiendish rattle
Of the tramways and the 'buses making hurry down the street,
And the language uninviting of the gutter children fighting,
Comes fitfully and faintly through the ceaseless tramp of feet.
Just shush. Your empire isn't going to grow any more. You can't motivational speaker me into a new TV; I have neither the need nor the money. Just be happy with what you have and sit quietly for a bit. You're just screaming yourself hoarse and me into a state of mental overload and breakdown.
Notes:
The poem is called "Clancy if the Overflow" - Banjo Patterson is a famous Australian poet in the bush ballad, folksy style - and you can read the full text at
http://www.wallisandmatilda.com.au/clancy-of-the-overflow.shtml
Emma Ayers is the host of ABC Classic FM morning breakfast. She is mentioned here without her permission. If you'd like to listen to her, follow the links on this page
http://www.abc.net.au/classic/program/classicbreakfast/
Sound and Fury is published every Monday and Thursday mornings, Australian Eastern Standard Time. Please share with your friends if you enjoy it.
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