Putting two and two together and coming up with Hallelujah

When I started working, back in the pre-cappuccino hell of the 1980s, my father gave me some basic advice, which I have often thought worth heeding, that, while at work, you should do what your boss asks you to do.

Seems fairly straightforward.  I give them four hours of my life and do the things they ask me to do during that time and, in return, they give me a pay packet. And yes, you young fellows, it was actually little yellow envelope containing cash. What's cash? Those things you saw pictures of in your primary school maths lessons and which, on odd occasions, your parents have in their wallets for more than 24 hours. They're used at the start of cricket games too.

And this model worked fine for a while but then came the day when the boss didn't actually tell me what he wanted done. I was there, bedecked in my red vest, "can I help you" badge and equally sincere smile but there was nothing to do and no suckers customers that required my help.

Parental advice (advanced class): Initiative. Grab a broom and sweep something. Tidy up a bit.

Good. So I do that. Worked OK for a while.

Now, due to some miscalculation on the part of the authorities, it seems I've become an adult and I work in a professional type occupation and the situation has become massively more complicated.

Firstly, it appears that, if the boss tells you what to do, it will only be in the most general terms. They're far too busy to be spending time giving you instructions in detail; you're a professional now and one of the skills of a professional is to "fill in the gaps" - ostensibly in the space between where you are now and what the boss wants but, often it's more likely to be the gaps in the boss' thinking (she didnt' think it out properly) or the holes in the fabric of spacetime and causality that would need to be created to get what she wants done in the time allotted.

Secondly, you can't count on the fact that the boss has asked you to do something meaning that she, or indeed anyone else in the company, is going to support you. As a professional, you need to "own the project". This often means that the project was about as popular as a shipment of nuclear waste at a tourist resort to begin with and that "taking ownership" translates as "taking blame". By becoming a "champion" or "advocate" for your project, it basically becomes your problem and you need to be ready to defend the project against all comers, even the boss herself.

So here you are with goals that you can't understand, or which you can understand but which are impossible to implement, or which could be implemented if this became a hero project of the Soviet Union and you could kill a million peasants to get it done. But, as the project champion, it turns out that Stalin in High Heels isn't going to supply peasants to you and that you're going to have to raid the gulag for resources along with everyone else.

But even that's not enough in the modern corporate world. You have to believe! You have to truly believe!

Work used to be a financial contract. I work, you pay. Now, it's a church. The company has to have a philosophy, a mission, a vision and values. And you, the supplicant, need to show how you are living the values and aligning your work to the corporate vision splendid.  Your annual performance appraisal being your opportunity to confront your sins and to seek absolution; "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been six months since my last performance review."

And, like all churches, it has a clergy. Trained at the Harvard Business School, or other leading theological colleges, these vicars are imbued with the spirit of the gospels according to Kellogg and the Letters of St Covey to the Plebians  and will gather the faithful about them and lead them to the promised land of corporate success, flowing with cheap coffee and empty promises of bonuses.

But remember that other great truth of all religions - the faith changes. When certain bits of the holy scriptures become a bit too unmarketable, they become metaphorical and what you need to believe is whatever your priest tells you is a tenet of the faith - this week. And, for God's sake, don't remind them of what they said you were to believe last week. That was never true and she certainly never said that and any suggestion that she's anything other than fully orthodox is just malicious gossip that she won't put up with.

And the priesthood are not bound by the rules. The faithful must abide by the commandments but the clergy can do as they please; whatever is necessary to advance the flag of the faith and deliver widgets across all the Earth.

So, kids, I'm sorry. As far as I can see, work in the modern world is a cross between MiniTrue and an apocalyptic cult. What can I say?

Hallelujah.