“I hope dentures get better”, commented one
man, “we'll be eating our houses one bedroom at a time in the future.”
A spokeswoman for the Australian College of Codgers,
Geezers and Biddies (ACCGB) said in a statement:
“Well you can take
the nice little old lady routine and stuff it! From now on, it's
fee-for-service. You want the grandkids looked after? It's $30 an hour and I
want my scheduled breaks. Lions Club building some new picnic tables? I'm
available Thursday week and the invoice will include GST. Biscuits at Nan's?
Fifty cents each, 75 if you want chocolate. And the problems you're having with
your husband and kids? I'm not talking to you without a mental health plan from
your GP and private health insurance; I'm a registered provider now.”
Meanwhile, concern has been raised about the suitability of many childcare facilities to accommodate the chronically ill dependents of many pensioners. Wheelchair access is often not provided and the childproof gates don't allow enough turning room for hospital gurneys for the bedridden. "I mean, what choice do we have?" asked one woman, "If I have to go out to work, I can't leave him on his own." Carers are also concerned that their wards have long since forgotten how to use crayons, how best to optimally combine glue and crepe paper to stain the largest amount of skin, and never did learn the words to "Rock a bye your bear". “We’re just not sure they’ll fit in”, said the woman.
A government spokesman responded by saying
that the department was addressing the shortage of care places by lowering the
working age to four and a half. "Education is a waste anyway," he
said, "most kids don't want to be at school and what’s being taught not
staying with them as they get older; most adults think 6 + 7 x 4 is 52. And, as
for critical thinking, just ask any ten adults if they think the contestants on
reality TV are just average people like them, not has been or wanna be models
and actresses. Bugger it, get them out and working."
Responding to criticisms that this policy
represented a return to Victorian Britain,
the spokesman said, "Well it's the last time they had an economy
and an empire over there."
Meanwhile, a parliamentary committee is
continuing its probe into the Productivity Commission* and the cost of employing
a four person consultancy from Yorkshire to advise on cost-of-labour
improvements in the economy. Minutes of
their most recent meeting, apparently held in a pub, are at this link:
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