Monday 17 March 2014

If houses were built by the medical profession

Well sir, that’s your foundation down. All looking good.

Great. But it’s not a complete house. We’re going to need some walls, aren’t we?

Oh definitely, but that’s not my area of specialisation. I’ll write you a referral to a wall guy.

You can’t do the whole thing?

No, I just do the basics. You’ll need to see a specialist for the rest.

So you’ll call him and give him all the information about the plans and the building and so forth?

No, no. I’ll write you this letter and you can make an appointment.

How will he know what’s already been done?

It’s in the letter.

In detail?

No just a summary. Look, he’ll go through it all with you when you get to see him.

So we start again?

To an extent, yes. He needs to do his own diagnosis.


Three weeks later, at the meeting with the wall guy.

I have your letter. Seems you’re hoping to build a house?

That’s right, I’ve given all the details to the last guy.

Yes, well I don’t have those in front of me, just go through what you’re hoping to build.

[explains]

Right, well the foundations appear to be OK. But you’re going to need to be measured up for some windows, I’ll write you a referral.

Didn’t the foundations guy get a whole stack of surveying done?

Yes, but I don’t have the results and he probably didn’t ask for window measurements so I’ll get you to have the measurements done to make sure we have everything we need.


Two weeks later, once the windows have been measured up.

Excellent. They appear to be the right measurements.

So what do we do now?

Well now we schedule you to get some walls built. Do you have private insurance?

Yes.

Great, well I can probably start next Thursday. Based on what we find on the site, we’ll put up the outside walls then we’ll make another appointment to get the internals done.

When will it all be finished?

Honestly, it depends what we find. If the foundations are OK, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of months. If there a problems with the foundations, we’ll have to start again.

Do you think there might be problems with the foundations?

Well, they’ve been sitting out there in the rain for a while so we’re never really sure. Just grab the 20 page admission form on the way out.


Three months later – the walls are up.

I think those walls look very good.

Well, yes, but I don’t have windows or a roof. I thought we measured for those?

We measured for windows but that was just to make sure that we left the right space for the window fitter to come in.

You don’t fit windows?

No, not my area.

Roofs?

Definitely not. Specialist area. I’ll need to refer you to a roofer. They can be a bit difficult to get into, long wait sometimes. We’ve only got one or two practising in town – problems getting liability insurance, working up that high.

Won’t we get water damage on the frames and foundations in that time?

It is a possibility.

Well, what do I do about that?

Look, I’ll write you a prescription for a tarpaulin. Apply that to the site. It’s not a complete guarantee but it should tide you over ‘til you get to see the roofer and the window fitter.

What if the whole thing starts to fall down in the meantime?

Oh well then, if it’s an emergency, you go to our emergency department. They’ll assess the situation.

So I tell them the whole story from scratch again?

They’ll need all the information, yes.

What will they do?

They have two options, they can shore the structure up and send you back to your foundations guy or they can complete the build themselves.

They can do the whole job?

Certainly. They have all the specialists and all the equipment on site. I work over there two days a week.

So why don’t I go to them in the first place?

No, the ED is only for critical cases.

So we have to wait until it’s all falling apart before we can do the whole build in one go?

Yep, that’s how it works.

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